i may or may not be watching the land before time
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
