Your face is a jimmy john
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
did i walk over a car last night?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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