So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
