I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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