I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
