the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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