I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
