I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
