Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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