You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
