it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
