The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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