omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
