Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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