I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
