my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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