3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
foreskin is a definite game changer
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
