how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
