just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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