I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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