im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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