all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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