I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Randomize
