the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Randomize
