First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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