Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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