I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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