The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
