I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
