my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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