It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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