Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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