I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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