my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
