i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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