she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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