i was born a porn star she said
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
