i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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