i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
