I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
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I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
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I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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