I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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