I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
