Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
