dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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