Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
