i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
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