There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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