Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
BRING THE BAGELS
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.