Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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