so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
foreskin is a definite game changer
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
