you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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