WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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