I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Randomize
