I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
