i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
