I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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