what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
We smell like vodka and hangover
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
