meet me or not, i'm out of control
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Randomize
