see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
