Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
